If you are heading into the holidays in the middle of a separation, and you have kids, I want to be honest with you right from the start. This is one of the hardest versions of the holidays a person can go through. The grief of a relationship ending collides with the pressure of making the holidays feel normal for your kids. The logistics of a new schedule collide with the emotional reality that nothing feels normal yet. The expectations of family collide with your own exhaustion.
If you are already dreading November and December, that dread is honest and it makes sense. I want to walk through what tends to actually help, from the practical to the emotional, because this season does not have to break you and it does not have to break your kids either.
What Your Kids Are Actually Feeling
Here is the honest part. Your kids are feeling a lot, even when they are not showing it. Even if they are young. Even if they seem fine. Even if they are not asking many questions.
They notice the empty chair. They notice the house feeling different. They notice both parents trying hard to make things seem okay. They notice the quiet moments when you think they are not watching.
What they need from you is not perfect holidays. They need honesty, consistency, and the sense that both of their parents still love them completely and are still showing up for them. You do not have to pretend everything is fine. In fact, pretending often makes kids feel more unsettled, because they can feel the disconnect between what you are saying and what the room actually feels like.
A few age appropriate truths that tend to help kids:
“This year is going to be different, and that is okay to have feelings about.”
“You can love both of us. You do not have to choose.”
“Christmas morning will not look like last year, and we will make it feel good in a new way.”
“If you feel sad or angry or confused at any point, you can tell me. I will not be mad.”
Kids are resilient, but they are not resilient because adults pretend everything is fine. They are resilient because adults around them give them permission to feel what they feel and show them that hard things can be moved through.
The Logistics That Almost Always Come Up
A few practical realities that tend to show up in separations around the holidays, and how to approach them.
Schedules and splitting time. If you have not already worked out a holiday schedule with your co parent, do that as soon as you can. Even an informal agreement is better than deciding in real time. Who has the kids Thanksgiving morning versus evening. Who has Christmas Eve versus Christmas Day. Who has Hanukkah which nights. Whether you alternate years for specific holidays. The specific plan matters less than having one that both of you can rely on.
Communication with your co parent. This is the hard one. Even if things are strained, the holidays are not the time to let communication deteriorate. Short, factual, kid focused communication is the goal. “Pickup is Thursday at 10. I will have her bags packed.” You do not have to be friends. You do have to be functional.
Gifts. Try not to compete. Try not to overcompensate. Try not to make the kids feel like they have to compare. A gift from each parent is fine. A thoughtful gift is better than an expensive one. If finances are tight, your presence matters more than your presents.
Shared traditions. If you and your co parent have historically done something together, like a specific holiday meal or a visit to see lights, decide this year what happens to that tradition. Does one of you keep it with the kids? Does it get retired? Does something new replace it? Having a plan prevents the painful moment of a kid asking why you are not doing the thing you always did.
Extended family. Both sides of the family often have strong opinions about what should happen. Try to make decisions with your co parent before extended family weighs in. Then communicate the plan to them. Your kids do not need to be in the middle of grandparent disagreements about who gets Christmas morning.
Travel. If one of you has traveled with the kids for holidays before, decide whether that still happens. Decide who handles logistics. Decide who covers costs. Nothing creates holiday conflict faster than unplanned travel arrangements.
The Emotional Reality for You
I want to spend some time here, because the emotional weight of the first holidays during separation is often the piece that gets underestimated.
You are grieving. Even if the separation was your choice, even if it was clearly the right call, even if you are relieved it is happening, grief is in the mix. The future you imagined is no longer the future you are walking toward. That matters, and it matters more around the holidays, which are marker events in any year.
You are performing for your kids. You are trying to make the season feel okay for them, which means you are often not giving yourself space to feel what you need to feel. By the end of a holiday weekend, you are usually depleted in ways that are hard to describe.
You are facing social situations. Family gatherings where everyone knows about the separation. Friends who do not know what to say. Religious services where you used to sit together. All of this takes energy, and often brings up grief you were not expecting.
You are managing your own family’s reactions. Depending on who your family blames, who they are mad at, who they feel sorry for, you may be managing their emotions on top of your own.
You are navigating hard anniversaries. If you got engaged on New Year’s Eve, if you honeymooned over Christmas, if there are specific memories tied to specific dates, those come up unexpectedly.
A few honest things that help with all of this:
Build in time for yourself. Not just between visits. Deliberate, scheduled time where you let yourself feel what you feel without having to perform for anyone. Journaling, therapy, time with a close friend who knows what is going on, time outside. Grief needs space to move through.
Lower the bar on what you have to accomplish. This is not the year to host anyone. This is not the year to send holiday cards. This is not the year to attempt complicated cooking. Do what you can do, drop the rest, and do not apologize.
Reach out to your people. If you have close friends or family who are safe to talk to, lean on them. If you do not, consider working with a therapist. Carrying this alone makes everything heavier than it needs to be.
Be honest with your kids in age appropriate ways. “Mom is feeling a little sad today, and that is okay. I love you and I am going to be fine.” Modeling honest emotional regulation is one of the most useful things you can give them.
Have a plan for the hardest moments. The moments when the kids go to their other parent. The moments after they leave. The gift opening when it is just you. The first time you sit at a table where there is an empty chair. Knowing what you will do in those moments, even if the plan is “I will call my sister and we will talk for an hour,” makes them easier to move through.
What Not to Do
A few honest things to avoid, because they tend to make things harder.
Do not talk badly about your co parent to your kids. Even if you have reasons. Even if they ask. Even if your co parent is doing it. It damages your kids more than it damages your ex, and you will regret it when they are old enough to understand what you said.
Do not use the kids as messengers. If something needs to be communicated to your co parent, communicate it directly. Making a seven year old carry a message between households puts them in an impossible position.
Do not try to win the holidays. The parent who makes everything bigger, more exciting, more extravagant does not win. The parent whose house feels calm, predictable, and loving is the parent kids remember as safe.
Do not make the kids feel guilty for enjoying time with their other parent. If they come back from their other household talking about something fun they did, let that be fine. Your kids need to feel like they can love both parents without betraying either one.
Do not drink your way through it. The temptation is understandable. The holidays plus separation plus alcohol often adds up to a lot of regret. If you are using alcohol to manage the emotional weight of this season, please pay attention to that and consider reaching out for support.
Looking Forward
The first holiday season during a separation is almost always the hardest. The second is usually better. The third more so. Your kids will adapt. You will adapt. The new normal will become normal, even though right now it feels impossible to imagine that.
This season is a chapter. It is not the whole book.
Looking for Therapy in Manchester, NH?
At Care Pack Counseling, we work with a lot of clients navigating separation, divorce, co parenting, grief, and the specific weight of holidays during family transitions. Our clinicians use evidence based approaches including CBT, DBT, ACT, EMDR, and IFS. We bring real warmth and real understanding of how heavy this time of year can be.
We see clients in person at our Manchester office on Elm Street, and virtually throughout New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Maine. Whether you are in Manchester, Bedford, Concord, Nashua, the Seacoast, or anywhere across our three state coverage area, we would love to meet you.
Our 48 Hour Callback Promise
Reaching out for therapy in the middle of a hard season takes courage. That is why we promise to respond to every new client within 48 hours. If we do not, your first session is on us.
Contact and Insurance
Care Pack Counseling 923 Elm St, Unit 78 Manchester, NH 03101 (978) 245-7163 info@carepackcounseling.org carepackcounseling.org
We accept Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, Harvard Pilgrim, Aetna, and Cigna. Sliding scale fees are available for clients paying out of pocket. Licensed across New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Maine, with in person sessions in Manchester and virtual sessions available throughout our three state coverage area.
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You are doing something really hard, and you are doing it while trying to be a steady parent for your kids. That is not easy. You deserve support, and we are here whenever you are ready.
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