There’s a specific kind of loneliness that shows up when a big life moment is coming and the people you thought would be there aren’t going to be. Your wedding, and your dad won’t walk you down the aisle. Your graduation, and your mom won’t be in the audience. Your first Pride, and none of your family will be marching next to you. The birth of your first child, and there’s no one from your family in the waiting room.
For a lot of people, especially LGBTQ+ folks whose families have rejected them, folks with estranged or absent parents, folks whose parents have died, and folks with families that just don’t show up, these moments carry a weight that’s hard to describe. The joy of the milestone sits right next to the grief of who isn’t there.
I want to talk about a concept that has quietly saved a lot of my clients, and that deserves more attention than it gets. The idea of a stand in.
What a Stand In Is
A stand in is someone who steps into a role your family isn’t filling, for a specific moment or ongoing. Not to replace the person who should have been there. Not to pretend the absence isn’t real. But to make sure you don’t go through the moment alone, and to give you the experience of being celebrated, walked in with, sat next to, and witnessed by someone who chose to be there.
Stand ins can be almost anyone. A friend. A mentor. A friend’s parent. A pastor. A therapist. A former teacher. A neighbor. An older LGBTQ+ community member who has offered to be there for younger folks in the community. Someone from the internet who happens to live nearby. Whoever it is, they’re stepping in on purpose, with intention, because the moment matters and you deserve to be held through it.
Where Stand Ins Show Up
There are a lot of situations where a stand in can meaningfully change the shape of an experience. A few of the most common:
Weddings. A stand in dad or mom to walk you down the aisle. A stand in family member to give a toast at the reception. A stand in aunt or uncle to sit in the family row. For folks whose families won’t attend, or won’t attend as themselves, stand ins have become a beautiful and increasingly common part of ceremonies.
Graduations. From high school to graduate school, having someone in the audience clapping for you matters. If your family isn’t going to be there, a stand in can fill that seat with real love.
Pride. For many LGBTQ+ folks, walking in a Pride parade or attending a Pride event is deeply emotional, especially the first time. Having someone next to you who is showing up specifically for you, whether they’re queer themselves or a straight ally standing in for family, can turn what might have been a bittersweet experience into a more fully joyful one. In New Hampshire, this happens organically at Manchester’s Queen City Pride, Portsmouth Pride, and other events across the state.
Baby showers and births. Becoming a parent when your own parents aren’t in the picture can bring up a lot. A stand in grandparent, aunt, or family friend can offer real support during pregnancy and after birth.
Holidays. The holidays are one of the hardest times of year for anyone without functional family relationships. Stand in families, or joining a chosen family for holiday gatherings, is one of the most protective things people can do for their mental health this time of year.
Coming out celebrations. Some folks throw parties to celebrate coming out. If biological family won’t attend, a chosen family will.
Sobriety milestones, therapy graduations, career achievements. Any moment worth marking is worth being witnessed. A stand in can be there.
Everyday moments too. Not just big ceremonies. Wedding dress shopping. Furniture assembly for your first apartment. Cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Sitting in the waiting room during a surgery. The daily and weekly moments where family usually shows up are often where the absence hurts most, and where a stand in matters just as much.
The Grief and the Joy Coexist
I want to name something clearly. Having a stand in is not the same as having the person you wished would show up. That grief is real, and it doesn’t disappear because a friend’s mom volunteered to walk you down the aisle. Some folks find themselves overwhelmed with sadness during moments that are supposed to be happy, because the reminder of who isn’t there is loud even when someone wonderful is standing in their place.
That’s normal. Both things can be true. The joy of being witnessed by someone who chose you can coexist with the grief of being unseen by someone who should have. Making space for both is part of the emotional work of these moments.
Stand ins aren’t a solution to family rejection. They’re a support in the middle of it.
How to Actually Ask Someone
If you’re thinking about asking someone to stand in for you at an important moment, a few honest thoughts on how to approach it:
Be specific about what you’re asking. “Would you be willing to walk me down the aisle?” is easier to say yes or no to than a vague invitation. People want to help. Being clear about the role helps them show up well.
Give context if you feel comfortable. You don’t have to explain your whole family history. But letting someone know that this matters, that you don’t have the family member who would traditionally fill this role, and that you thought of them for a specific reason, gives them the chance to hold the weight of what you’re asking.
Ask ahead of time. Not the night before. Big roles deserve real notice.
Let them know they can say no. Not everyone can hold every role. Giving people permission to decline actually makes it more likely they’ll say yes to what they can do.
Consider a formal invitation. Some folks find it meaningful to invite stand ins with intention, whether that’s a handwritten note, a small gift, or a specific conversation. This can honor the significance of what you’re asking.
Being a Stand In Well
If someone in your life has asked you to be a stand in, or if you want to offer, a few honest thoughts:
Show up on their timeline, not yours. This is not about you filling a hole in your own life. It’s about being present for someone else’s moment.
Don’t try to replace or compete. You’re not there to be better than the person who isn’t showing up. You’re there to be present with the person who asked you.
Follow their lead. Some folks want you to fully take on the role. Others want you to acknowledge the person you’re standing in for. Some want a mix. Let them tell you what they need.
Be there emotionally, not just physically. Standing in isn’t just showing up. It’s holding space for the complicated feelings that come with the moment.
Understand you might be doing something big. For a lot of folks, having someone stand in is one of the most healing experiences they’ll ever have. Take it seriously.
Why Chosen Family Matters So Much
There’s a phrase used widely in the LGBTQ+ community, and increasingly by others, called chosen family. It refers to the people who become family to you not by biology but by intention. The friends who show up when your parents don’t. The mentors who love you unconditionally. The community that celebrates you.
Research consistently shows that chosen family provides the same mental health protective effects as functional biological family. Sometimes more, because chosen family is by definition people who have decided you’re worth showing up for.
Building chosen family isn’t a consolation prize for people whose biological families failed them. It’s a rich, meaningful form of connection that can hold you through everything a biological family would have. And for a lot of LGBTQ+ folks, chosen family is where the deepest, most enduring love of their lives lives.
Looking for LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapy in Manchester, NH?
At Care Pack Counseling, we work with a lot of clients navigating family rejection, estrangement, grief around absent parents, and the complex work of building chosen family. Whether you’re preparing for a big life moment without biological family, healing from years of family rejection, or figuring out how to build the community you deserve, we’re here for that work.
Our clinicians are trained in evidence based approaches including CBT, DBT, ACT, EMDR, and IFS, and we bring real affirming care to LGBTQ+ clients and anyone navigating complicated family dynamics.
We see clients in person at our Manchester office on Elm Street, and virtually throughout New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Maine. Whether you’re in Manchester, Bedford, Concord, Nashua, the Seacoast, or anywhere across our three state coverage area, we’d love to meet you.
Our 48 Hour Callback Promise
Reaching out for therapy when family stuff is the hard part takes courage. That’s why we promise to respond to every new client within 48 hours. If we don’t, your first session is on us.
Contact and Insurance
Care Pack Counseling 923 Elm St, Unit 78 Manchester, NH 03101 carepackcounseling.org
We accept Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield, Harvard Pilgrim, Aetna, and Cigna. Sliding scale fees are available for clients paying out of pocket. Serving clients in person in Manchester, NH and virtually throughout New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Maine.
The family you build is real family. The people who choose you count. And you deserve to be walked into every big moment of your life by someone who is fully there for you.
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